drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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