I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
