Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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