im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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