textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
