Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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