I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
