awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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