In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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