he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
