I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
