You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
