i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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