And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
