I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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