i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
