Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
