i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize