By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
