So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
