We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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