I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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