you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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