I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
