Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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