it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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