While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
