I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
