She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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