M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
