apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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