So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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