Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
