Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
