Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
