I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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