you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
