I'm eating all of the evidence.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You have to summon your inner elephant
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
