so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
