I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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