just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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