Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
