A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
