hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you inspire me to be a worse person
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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