How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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