Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
