I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
