my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize