also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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