no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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