i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
