There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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