I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
