just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
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