I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
