I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
