I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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