there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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