I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
