I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
