I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
