Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Two words: nipple clamps
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